Picture Perfect
For as long as I can remember I have been ugly. This wasn't always the case. My baby pictures were cute. In fact I won a pretty baby contest when I was two.
1979 age 2
When I got to middle school, I was not pretty and everyone, EVERYONE, let me know it. I tried to hide myself, ignore others, pretend I was all alone, but everyday from the first day of 6th grade to my last day at East High in 10th grade, I was put in my place. We're talking comments, jokes, looks, stares... you name it and it probably happened to me. I literally thought of myself as a monster. Like the hunchback or something. I didn't like looking in the mirror. In fact, I must have had some sort of disassociative disorder because when I did look in the mirror, I did not grasp that the person staring back at me was me. She was someone else. Someone who stood in the next room and peered at me through the hole in the wall. SHE. WAS. NOT. ME.
I thought this for years.
Then, the day that this picture was developed and placed in my hands-
March 1997
-something happened. All of a sudden, I could see a glimpse of a better version of myself. I realized I liked my smile and I liked to mug for the camera. I realized that not all hope was lost. I began to slowly see myself in the mirror again. I began paying attention. This picture was taken in 1997, just after I had lost 45 pounds and was very close to 199 pounds (my magical happy weight number). I was letting a friend take pictures for me just as a joke, something to post on the internet for chatting. I really didn't think they would look good. I don't keep 95% of the pictures taken of me because I find too many faults. I just can't bear to look at myself. But this picture...changed me. I wonder if that's ever happened to anyone else. I've read all about the phenomenon where someone looses like 50 pounds just based on one photo where their double chin shows up but I've never heard of someone starting to like themselves based on a picture. My world was rocked that day. And I'm ready to have that happen again.
1979 age 2
When I got to middle school, I was not pretty and everyone, EVERYONE, let me know it. I tried to hide myself, ignore others, pretend I was all alone, but everyday from the first day of 6th grade to my last day at East High in 10th grade, I was put in my place. We're talking comments, jokes, looks, stares... you name it and it probably happened to me. I literally thought of myself as a monster. Like the hunchback or something. I didn't like looking in the mirror. In fact, I must have had some sort of disassociative disorder because when I did look in the mirror, I did not grasp that the person staring back at me was me. She was someone else. Someone who stood in the next room and peered at me through the hole in the wall. SHE. WAS. NOT. ME.
I thought this for years.
Then, the day that this picture was developed and placed in my hands-
March 1997
-something happened. All of a sudden, I could see a glimpse of a better version of myself. I realized I liked my smile and I liked to mug for the camera. I realized that not all hope was lost. I began to slowly see myself in the mirror again. I began paying attention. This picture was taken in 1997, just after I had lost 45 pounds and was very close to 199 pounds (my magical happy weight number). I was letting a friend take pictures for me just as a joke, something to post on the internet for chatting. I really didn't think they would look good. I don't keep 95% of the pictures taken of me because I find too many faults. I just can't bear to look at myself. But this picture...changed me. I wonder if that's ever happened to anyone else. I've read all about the phenomenon where someone looses like 50 pounds just based on one photo where their double chin shows up but I've never heard of someone starting to like themselves based on a picture. My world was rocked that day. And I'm ready to have that happen again.
posted by punkindunkin at 10:40 AM
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