What I'm reading right now

Kiss My Tiara by Susan Jane Gilman

Memorable excerpts include:

"And in the workplace, nobody cares if we were a svelte homecoming queen or voted Most Beautiful. Nobody cares if we were called "warthog" or "dork-a-rina" for that matter, either. All they're interested in is stuff like money and vacations and not getting caught downloading porn from the Internet."

"So often I hear single women say, "Oh, I won't cook a nice meal if it's just for myself." Sounds like they're auditioning to play a stereotypical Jewish mother: Oh, don't mind me, sitting here along. I'm not worth cooking for. I'll just reheat some rancid brisket left over from Mother's Day."

"Sure beauty has the power to excite men. But so does a box of donuts."

"If God hadn't wanted us to touch ourselves, he would've made our arms shorter. -Grandma"

"Men do not apologize to inanimate objects. Have you ever seen a woman bump into a chair and say to the chair, "Oops, I'm sorry"? I've seen women say "excuse me" to wastepaper baskets. I've seen women say "pardon me" to table legs. On occasion, I've seen women apologize to extension cords, department-store mannequins, and packing crates that people have left in the middle of their living rooms.... Guys don't do this. When a guy trips over a packing crate, you know what he does? He curses. He goes, "Who the fuck put this box here?" -even if he left it there himself."

"Consider the following handy responses to frequent and annoying comments:

Comment: So when are you going to get a real job?
A. Hey what's not "real" about lap dancing?
B. Well, my boss says that if I continue to be "nice" to him after hours, I'll never have to work again.
C. How about when Uncle Artie gets a real toupee?

Comment: Still not married, hmmmm?
A. Nah, just sleeping around.
B. Well, my boyfriend is, so the way I see it, we're one-for-one.
C. No, but the baby's due in May.

Comment: So, when are you planning on giving me grandchildren?
A. I don't know. When are you planning on breaking a hip?
B. How's about after you leave me a big inheritance?
c. Not until I get a cute girlfriend and a really good turkey baster."

"For there hasn't been a war waged, a kingdom built, or a republic declared without its leaders claiming that it's "God's will" And the world if full of demagogues who have gotten away with advancing stupid or dangerous ideas because they've wrapped themselves in the cloak of religion....there's my ultimate, personal favorite, Randall Terry, who started Operation Rescue back in the 1980's. Guess what Randall Terry was doing before he started mobilizing legions of Fetus Fanatics to go block abortion clinics? A used-car salesman. Now, most people don't even trust a used-car salesman to sell them a Buick, let alone a religious doctrine. But once Randall Terry picked up the Bible and started calling women "baby killers"-voila! He was suddenly taken seriously-instantly transformed from a Pinto-pusher in a parking lot into a reverend in a parking lot outside a clinic."

And one of my favorite new retorts:

"Next time some anti-choicers tell us, "The Bible says, 'Thou shalt not kill,' " maybe we should counter that the very same set of commandments also says, "Honor thy father and mother." Which means that a mother should be accorded special status and respect. She should not be viewed interchangeably with her fetus- or sacrificed for it, thank you."