This isn't a photograph...
just an insightful reflection on my life. Well, at least, I’m considering it insightful.
I was reminded of my previous life in
As long as I can remember, I’ve had wildly vivid dreams. I’ve often commented to others that sometimes I feel as though I live two lives; one in the “real waking world” and one at night that seems as real and as this one. When I dream, I dream with all my senses. I smell things, dream in color, taste food. I incorporate things into my dreams in weird ways. Once I was dreaming of vacationing in
beep….beep…beep...beep…beep….beep…beep…beep…beep….beep…
Turns out I was “reading” my alarm clock going off. Funny, huh?
Most often, my dreams are repeated warning signs to me. I’m not talking psychic communication or anything, just things about my life that my brain chooses to interpret and try to deal with in my sleep in creative ways (because, being the procrastinator that I am, I can’t actually deal with them when I’m awake). Like many people, I have reoccurring dreams. When I was having trouble in high school, feeling highly depressed and alone, I dreamed every night for 3 months that I was being chased. By what, you ask? I never saw whatever it was. An unknown force would hunt me down every night. Whatever it was, I only knew its presence by the wind blowing. The actual force was a black, fuzzy blur- I always woke up before it caught me. The wind would blow and this evil energy was always just around the corner, racing towards me. After I switched schools in my sophomore year, the dream stopped and I’ve yet to have it again.
Other common themes are ghosts, fear of forgetting my lines (I was a theater geek in high school and waking up in the middle of a scene that I’d never rehearsed for has always been a nightmare), and waking up in the middle of my life with a child to take care of (that I can’t remember giving birth to). But the one theme that has followed me for more than six years is that of tornadoes.
The first tornado dreams started in late 1999, when I was still dealing with a chronic health issue and I was wallowing in my wasted life. I did not have fun. I was not any fun. I did not enjoy food or life or deep pleasure. I was a freaking zombie stumbling through life. I simply was not me. I began to have these tornado dreams when I was breaking up with my first boyfriend. He recently commented that I seemed deeply unhappy most of the time that we were dating. I can picture myself back then, and my fragile mental state. I was a severely wounded person who was just beginning a journey to healing. I wasn’t ready for life at that point and he suffered the consequences and my rage. When I dreamed of these tornados, I found myself in the middle a bright summer day, with rolling hills surrounding my view of the horizon (Wisconsin, particularly the south central part contains glaciers that formed small rolling hills). I was often in
Just after I broke up with the boyfriend, I found myself escaping my life and the decision that haunted me, by sleeping. But sleeping became terrifying because I was either stuck in the middle of the tornadoes or I didn’t dream at all and I would awake as if I had just put my head to the pillow only moments before. Either way, I was scared to go to sleep. The first few months, for this and other reasons, I would take only cat naps- if I slept at all. What I had done, just after breaking up with the boyfriend was get a new one (uh, mistake number one), move out of my parents house, get two new jobs, quit school, buy my first car and adopt two ungrateful cats. Four months after my painful breakup, I had a whole new life. But the dreams continued. Over the next few months, the tornadoes receded a bit. I didn’t dream them every night- at first just a few nights a week and then just a day or two every other week. I eventually moved on.
I settled into the life that I made for myself and struggled to understand what to do next. At times, I thought this life was it, that I was destined to graduate from a community college with a degree that wasn’t architecture (at first a drafting degree and when I couldn’t cut it at that, an interior design degree), I was meant to live as a slob, in a numbing job, with no hobbies other than television to keep me occupied. I got up and went through the motions of my life, all the while dreaming that I was missing out on something.
Almost two years later, the tornado dreams started up again with full force. I began to see their destruction all around me in the city. The bookstore was ruined. The grocery store had its roof ripped off. Several buildings disappeared completely. The city I was in was growing smaller and smaller with each dream. People began dying or disappearing during the storms. The warning whistles would go off each time but no matter how long we had to prepare, the destruction was always daunting. I always woke up before the clean up of the storm happened but it seemed that repairing and rebuilding my world was going to be a tougher job with each passing dream. These dreams seemed to work themselves to a fevered pitch just before I had a huge design project due in my space planning class.
The project was an exercise in creativity as well as strict limits (after all, how many times will architects and interior designers have a client with a limitless budget?). The assignment was simple: 900 square feet to design a space for myself. I could use a maximum of 900 square feet (about the size of my current apartment) and do whatever- as long as it was properly dimensioned and creative in its execution. I remembered being excited from the beginning. It was the first one that didn’t require regurgitating someone else’s design back onto the page or on the cad program. I began my search with this book and promptly checked out every book on tree houses I could find in the county. I designed the space as if I were living in a tree house on the shores of the Carolinas or
Last year, I began the painful task of forgiving myself for my former life, which I believe is furthering my healing. I contacted the exes, and tried to make peace with them and myself. In the process, I became slightly confused about what I wanted from my life. I still wanted to be an architect but I had a moderate case of homesickness. I wasn’t quite sure where to go from here. A few steps backwards were enough to throw my footing off. And then I had a tornado dream. However, this dream was unlike the others. Instead of a
I haven’t had a tornado dream in over a year. In fact, I really haven’t had any reoccurring dreams that routinely beat into my consciousness. It’s as if my mind is at peace for now- enjoying the real waking life that I live and taking in every moment – so much so that it doesn’t need the other life at night to act out its pain. I think the staircase in that house is done; in fact much of the framing is complete. I’m ready to fill it with wonderful details such as gabled roofs, screened porches, boxed window seats and an expansive attic to hold future treasures I will acquire. The house is ready and so am I.
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