Sunday, December 04, 2005


I’ve been feeling lonely the last couple of days. I think it has something to do with the emptiness that surrounds me in this apartment. I feel closed in by it and I’m always trying to escape it. Usually I put the TV on or the radio. It doesn’t always fill what’s missing though. When everything is absolutely quiet, that’s when I feel the worst. Sometimes the silence is suffocating. When Tudeskii was here, there was always noise of some kind. I would hear him taking his shower in the morning as I awoke. Or I’d here him laughing along to the Daily Show as he made dinner. And as much as I hated his snoring, at least it was a constant sound in the middle of the night and I always knew he was close by.

It’s especially hard to have this empty feeling so close to Christmas. Maybe I have it because of the holidays. I’m not entirely sure.

I’m hoping to shake it off come Thursday when all of my finals are done. But I fear with less to do, I may get even lonelier. I thought it might help to get out and spend some time Christmas shopping (or rather, window shopping) but somehow it just makes me feel worse. And everywhere I go, insipid Christmas music is piped into the sound system. And everyone else seems so happy and content. Meanwhile, I nearly broke down and cried while at St. Vinnie’s yesterday. There was some old song on-‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’-I think and it just echoed right through me filling me with such sadness. It just made me weak all over.

January can’t get here soon enough.


Blogger Tudeski said...

It's hard during the winter and holidays, but you'll be fine Punkin. Before you know it, it will be winter break and you'll be able to be with family and enjoying the season. Then it'll be the new year and you'll be busy with a new term and kicking butt in your racquetball class!

7:07 PM  
Blogger rebecca marie said...

i'm bound by dropping off and picking up a child at school... but after thursday, if you find yourself with a free day, i'd love for you to come to portland and knit on my couch with me. we can watch horrid daytime television and drink cheap coffee. it'd be grand.

p.s. i'm not that big a fan of christmas, so i tend to not like this time of year much.

8:11 PM  

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