Lately

I’ve been feeling lonely the last couple of days. I think it has something to do with the emptiness that surrounds me in this apartment. I feel closed in by it and I’m always trying to escape it. Usually I put the TV on or the radio. It doesn’t always fill what’s missing though. When everything is absolutely quiet, that’s when I feel the worst. Sometimes the silence is suffocating. When Tudeskii was here, there was always noise of some kind. I would hear him taking his shower in the morning as I awoke. Or I’d here him laughing along to the Daily Show as he made dinner. And as much as I hated his snoring, at least it was a constant sound in the middle of the night and I always knew he was close by.

It’s especially hard to have this empty feeling so close to Christmas. Maybe I have it because of the holidays. I’m not entirely sure.

I’m hoping to shake it off come Thursday when all of my finals are done. But I fear with less to do, I may get even lonelier. I thought it might help to get out and spend some time Christmas shopping (or rather, window shopping) but somehow it just makes me feel worse. And everywhere I go, insipid Christmas music is piped into the sound system. And everyone else seems so happy and content. Meanwhile, I nearly broke down and cried while at St. Vinnie’s yesterday. There was some old song on-‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’-I think and it just echoed right through me filling me with such sadness. It just made me weak all over.

January can’t get here soon enough.