Monday, January 23, 2006

Hope- Otherwise Known as a Waking Dream.

We three finally talked. It took all of an hour with maybe 25 actual minutes of meaty discussion between us about what was going on. She had a reaction to the triad hand holding incident, she’s trying to understand it, and she wanted me to know she hasn’t made up her mind about it. And while this may seem bad, it is in fact, a very good thing. Especially since she didn’t automatically label her response negative and send me retreating with my tail between my legs and a broken heart to nurse. Just like he and I have been doing for the past six months with every little issue, she is taking her time to digest this latest turn of events and figure out what she wants and what she is comfortable with.

Nothing earth shattering was decided during our conversation and we came to no conclusions, ultimatums nor boundaries; the talk itself was simply the monumental event. That alone, was more than enough for the time being.

I told my Beloved that I since I was so wound up and miserable these past few days over the prospect of finally having this long sought after chat; I couldn’t fully relax following it. I breathed an audible sigh of relief as reminder to myself to do so… but I think the anxiety I felt while jumping (and waiting to jump) over this hurdle will only slowly deflate from me like a tiny tear in a waterbed or a nail puncture in a tire.

Note to self: NO MORE DRAMA, GIRLY-GIRL! Take it slow. You have found something amazing and you need to remember to enjoy it each and every single minute.

I’m mentally exhausted and sick of being so weepy. I need some serious downtime before I drive away the people that I love the most. This is only hurdle #15 on the list of potentially thousands. It’s daunting, absolutely daunting and bloody scary to face the next episode.

But underneath it all, there is hope. I sense it, ever so faint, breathing softly and growing quietly with definitive purpose towards the shimmering light. And I cling to that hope- the possibility of a life with them- as it becomes more tangible with every new day.


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