Saturday, January 21, 2006

Wish Me Luck!

If I’d known that a 2 minute session of public handholding between the three of us in the mall would have been the thing that gets us talking openly in the same room all at once, I would have grabbed him, bent him backwards and planted a kiss on his smacker right in front of her months ago!

We’re ready to talk and it’s probably going to happen in the next 48 hours. That is if no one chickens out. I’m tempted to feign illness or claim the homework is keeping me too busy from coming out to their house for the weekend. But I’ve wanted to have this talk for the last several months. I’m scared but I’m ready for this talk- wherever it may lead.

I’m trying to find a way to convey the magnitude of my feelings for him to her but with as much compassion and tact as possible.

Will she understand?

Does she know that my main objective is and has always been to keep their marriage strong?

Does she know that I would do anything in the world for the two of them?

Does she know that I’m not going anywhere and I’m going to stand my ground?

Does she know that I want to spend my life with them?

Does she know that I lie awake at night wondering how I will find him again after this life is over?

Does she know that I didn’t intend for this to happen but now that it has, I can’t and won’t imagine my life any other way?


Blogger Amadeus said...

Does she know.....

She does now if she reads your blog.

Will she understand?

I am sure your "compassion and tact" will help her along.

Good luck with the talk. I hope it all works out for you all.


3:48 AM  
Blogger Tudeski said...


10:11 AM  
Blogger Alder said...

Does she know that I lie awake at night wondering how I will find him again after this life is over?

This one surprised me a bit. I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "after this life is over". Do you mean literally? As in beyond the grave? Or were you saying that if this life together, this relationship we're building, ended, you'd still want to stay in touch with me (I'd certainly hope so, to either of those).

5:34 PM  
Blogger punkindunkin said...

Well, both but I was really referring to the first one.

Beyond the grave? That’s a spooky way of putting it. It makes me sound kinda creepy (in fact, this whole comment is going to end up being creepy).

I guess what I mean by that is when you find something so incredible, so amazing, and it makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world, you don’t want to let go. You’re afraid of losing it, of having to back to a time when you didn’t know it existed and didn’t know how it could make you feel.

I don’t fear death, I never have. But sometimes I fear where I’ll go after death. I try to console myself with the personal belief that whatever happens after my life is over, is up to me. I can decide if I want to be in a utopia somewhere remembering the good moments of my life. Or I can decide if I want to live life over again and learn something else. I have the power to decide my fate, whatever the possibilities are. I always imagined that I would have another chance to see the people in my life that matter to me so much, but I just assumed that I would eventually be on my own to follow whatever destiny I wanted. However, everything has changed since meeting you. And I’m being quite selfish when I say there isn’t nearly enough time in this life to be near you.

Will I find you again? Will I have to believe in a particular version of an afterlife to see you? Or do I just have to have faith that our paths will cross again?

On a slightly unrelated note because I’m curious, is that the same kind of faith that leads people to believe in a God? They have to believe, to have that hope so that the unknown doesn’t seem so frightening and lonely?

8:18 AM  
Blogger punkindunkin said...

And now for some comic relief-

Gimme 10 years with you and maybe I'll feel differently about having to find you again some day!


8:20 AM  
Blogger Alder said...

I believe you can choose the circumstances of your next life just as you can choose the circumstances of this one. It depends upon what "you" you are talking about. We mostly spend most of our time perceiving only a small fragment of ourselves. So there's the issue--one aspect of yourself may want one thing, but another part of you may want something else. If the Universe is beneficent and tends to give you what you ask for, what happens when different voices within are asking for different things? What part of you is in the driver's seat? What part of you made the decision as to when and where and to whom you would be born? What part of you is making decisions today? This inner unity is what we all struggle towards, so that all our inner and outer worlds are aligned with our true intention. Of course, the more we do that, the more we have the power to have our wishes granted. Which means the more care we have to take in what we wish for. With great power comes great responsibility. There most certainly is a way to make sure that you can be with someone forever, lifetime after lifetime. It is a certain kind of magick, and there is a price, as there is for all magick. And your comic relief point is well taken--forever is a very long time. There is a certain seven-millenium itch to be overcome. ;)

1:36 PM  

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