Wednesday, May 03, 2006

It's Been Two Weeks And...

(like the stereotypical woman who always changes her mind) I kinda miss this blog. True to my word, I've been posting on a private blog, even getting around to putting up some smashing pictures (modesty is not one of my strong points), which I haven’t done here in a while. It feels wonderful to have the freedom to say whatever I want without worrying what others might think of me.

But there's that interactive element missing and it's taking a toll on me. I love when I know people are visiting and reading about my life and soaking in my artwork. I love when I get feedback that inspires me to take a better picture or consider a new direction in my life but I hate, hate, HATE when I've hurt someone with my careless words or worse yet see someone visit all the time but never post a comment (ahem, DAD)- it makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. Why do I torture myself like this? Why do I care so much?

I guess it's because I am not me unless I am the me that is reflected through the eyes of others. Hmm, does that make any sense? Does that contradict things I've said here in the past about being myself around others? How do I truly know who I am unless I reveal myself to someone else?

I don't have the answers and I'm not sure whether to return here or not.

I'm just a little lonely and a little sleep deprived (actually a whole lot of both at the moment). And I heard about the Big Fat Carnival submission for blog entries going on over at Alas, a blog. I'm tempted to participate because if there's one thing I know, it is what it feels like to be a fat woman who longs to talk about sex (and yes, admittedly do more than simply talk about it). And as far as I'm concerned, the words sex and fat need to be addressed together more often. I could go on for pages and pages about the two subjects and combine them into a heartbreaking and personal narrative. And I could post it here and bare my soul. It'd sure be a hell of a returning post. Then again, I fear what others might say about me (or worse yet, what they may not) and it keeps me from leaping fearlessly from the ledge I’m perched on.

We’ll see…


Blogger JJ said...

I think I commented once, long ago, about a photo but I visit several times a week.

I really love some of your photos.

We can be ourselves fully on our own but part of being ourselves is seeing ourselves reflected in other people and getting feedback on how we seem and come across. Then we can assess to see if these are accurate reflections of our inner selves and decide if this is what we want to be seen as and be assured that we are looking like who we are or making inner or outer changes as we see fit. Seeing that reflection and using it are not compromises of integrity, they are tools to help us. I think that personal development and personality maturation were not meant to happen in a vacuum. Community makes a huge difference, ;-) just think of all the weirdo hermits.

3:30 PM  

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