Wednesday, May 03, 2006

It's Been Two Weeks And...

(like the stereotypical woman who always changes her mind) I kinda miss this blog. True to my word, I've been posting on a private blog, even getting around to putting up some smashing pictures (modesty is not one of my strong points), which I haven’t done here in a while. It feels wonderful to have the freedom to say whatever I want without worrying what others might think of me.

But there's that interactive element missing and it's taking a toll on me. I love when I know people are visiting and reading about my life and soaking in my artwork. I love when I get feedback that inspires me to take a better picture or consider a new direction in my life but I hate, hate, HATE when I've hurt someone with my careless words or worse yet see someone visit all the time but never post a comment (ahem, DAD)- it makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. Why do I torture myself like this? Why do I care so much?

I guess it's because I am not me unless I am the me that is reflected through the eyes of others. Hmm, does that make any sense? Does that contradict things I've said here in the past about being myself around others? How do I truly know who I am unless I reveal myself to someone else?

I don't have the answers and I'm not sure whether to return here or not.

I'm just a little lonely and a little sleep deprived (actually a whole lot of both at the moment). And I heard about the Big Fat Carnival submission for blog entries going on over at Alas, a blog. I'm tempted to participate because if there's one thing I know, it is what it feels like to be a fat woman who longs to talk about sex (and yes, admittedly do more than simply talk about it). And as far as I'm concerned, the words sex and fat need to be addressed together more often. I could go on for pages and pages about the two subjects and combine them into a heartbreaking and personal narrative. And I could post it here and bare my soul. It'd sure be a hell of a returning post. Then again, I fear what others might say about me (or worse yet, what they may not) and it keeps me from leaping fearlessly from the ledge I’m perched on.

We’ll see…