Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Little Did I Know... (plus: How I Spent My Thanksgiving Break)

Last year, I posted a note about a fantastic paperback that I was reading called Kiss My Tiara: How to Rule the World as a SmartMouth Goddess by Susan Jane Gilman. It's a great little book with a sarcastic sense of humor that challenges a woman's place in the world and demands that every woman stick up for herself. I put some of the more memorable quotes up and I'd like to highlight a section of them once again considering how ironic it is. This one particular chapter offered a handy dandy guide of responses for those pesky comments that family members often make to young, single women:

"Comment: So when are you going to get a real job?
A. Hey what's not "real" about lap dancing?
B. Well, my boss says that if I continue to be "nice" to him after hours, I'll never have to work again.
C. How about when Uncle Artie gets a real toupee?

Comment: So, when are you planning on giving me grandchildren?
A. I don't know. When are you planning on breaking a hip?
B. How's about after you leave me a big inheritance?
c. Not until I get a cute girlfriend and a really good turkey baster

Comment: Still not married, hmmmm?
A. Nah, just sleeping around.
B. Well, my boyfriend is, so the way I see it, we're one-for-one.
C. No, but the baby's due in May."


It isn't hard to see how hysterical I became (laughing until the hiccups arrived) when I stumbled on this post and realized how well it played into my current situation! The man, who for all intended purposes is essentially my boyfriend, (should be… will be? More on that in a moment), is in fact married. But as we work our way through this highly complicated situation, for now we are trying to avoid traditional labels. This relationship defies them all anyway.

Let me tell you how much fun it would be to repeat the above retort at our family’s Christmas dinner when pestered for the umpteenth time about my love life. My very prim and proper grandmother would probably have a stroke. She couldn't comprehend how I could live with another man and not be married (done it twice now-- yes, I know I'm a statistic). I could just imagine having to explain this one to the emergency room staff. "What caused her collapse?" "Uh...." But then again, I’m already planning on coal in my stocking this year. Seriously, how much worse could it possibly get?!

My parents can go ahead and breathe a sigh of relief because I will not be boasting about this to anyone back home (Mom and Dad, I promise I won’t ruin Christmas!). I intend to keep a low profile, smile sweetly, and speak softly when asked detailed questions about my new love. I’m not going to lay it all out and shock everyone. That’s not my style. But that being said, I’m not going to lie either. I don’t believe that hiding this from everyone will soften the blow. If people are curious and they want to know, I’ll tell them. If people are upset, they’ll be so either now or later, so why hold off the inevitable? I can’t change the way they will react or the way they will feel, I can only influence them through my sincere actions and the love that I hold. Those family members who love me and who genuinely want to see me happy throughout my life will come around eventually.

Now on to the latest developments (‘cause I know many of you are just dying to hear all about it):

This past weekend was a major turning point for me. I finally found the courage (after 2 months and 3 weeks to be exact) to say something to my Love’s wife about the romance that has blossomed between her husband and I. Sheepishly I admit that it took way longer than it should have for me to be honest with her. In my defense I ask -no, DARE- any one of you out there to try and imagine having to tell someone’s spouse of 18 years that you’re madly in love with their significant other.

It’s not easy.

It wasn’t easy.

It was downright terrifying.

I decided on Thanksgiving weekend because it would allow me plenty of opportunities to talk with her. Of course, being the procrastinator that I am, I waited until the very last possible moment of the weekend to finally speak up. I was so nervous that I could hear my heart pounding in my eardrums. I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t even look her in the eye. But I knew that I had to do this. I’ve been so extraordinarily stressed these last few weeks with school deadlines, financial issues, sadness from a (f)roommate moving far away, concentration and distraction problems, not to mention this very unique relationship, that I had made my mind up to start handling my problems instead of letting them fester. And I was bound and determined to deal with them as soon as I possibly could. In retrospect, I should have backed off and stuck to the more pressing issues of school and mental interruptions that continue to plague me (thanks to my Love for pointing this out to me- Dear, you were right. When you’re right, you’re right. Just don’t expect me to say that very often. As many people know, I hate admitting when I’m wrong!!).

But I was tired of living what seemed like a lie.

Or at the very least, wasn’t an entirely truthful situation.

And I knew that she knew something was up. It was sort of obvious considering the amount of time we spent together, the lack of free minutes on our cell phones (some months, the overage charges were astronomical!), and the goofy grins plastered on our faces for several months.

A coma patient could have figured it out; we were just that obvious.

So I know this wasn’t a shock to her for me to admit it finally. I’ll bet she could see it coming a mile away. Her reaction was both surprising and yet not... at the same time. She seemed upbeat with me, even after I admitted my feelings for both her and her husband. Her initial response to me was quite heartfelt; she mentioned she’d never had a sister in her life and she could use a close relationship like that. I quietly responded that I’d never had a sister either. It was a deeply emotional moment for me and I almost choked up. Sigh. She went on to say that her husband should have never pursued a friendship with me when he darn well knew it couldn’t go anywhere. She also mentioned that she hoped my feelings for them wouldn’t keep me from developing the necessary relationships in life that I needed to have. And after I let it all sink in, I was crushed.

I came to the conclusion that she didn’t understand how serious this was. She didn’t want for me to feel as if I was held back from finding the “right” relationship. I incorrectly assumed that she had me pegged as a silly little school girl who would soon get over this embarrassing infatuation I had for her husband. Unfortunately I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to throw her completely off balance by declaring my undying love for him and my ultimate wish to marry them someday.

(Yeah, you did read that right. I want to be with this couple the rest of my life. I want to be there through absolutely everything. I want to take care of them and I want to be taken care of. I want to watch the children grow up into the spectacular adults they are becoming. I want to be there to catch the sniffles shared every season. I want to be annoyed by the sounds of the 10th drum solo in a row. I want to play board games over and over even though I know I’ll always lose. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to kitties serenading the darkened rooms. I want to *gasp!* go to church with them and watch how they communicate with their God. I want to spend rainy afternoons under a large afghan surrounded by snuggling humans and pets alike. I want to share the joys that make souls sing and Band-Aid the boo-boos that trip up each member of the family. In just a few short months, my Love and his family have come to mean the absolute world to me. My life will never be the same.)

I left that afternoon, stunned into an hour long silence on the ride home (plus two embarrassing phone calls where I cried like a baby). I was contemplating what happened, picking and choosing what to remember from the conversation, and finding myself sliding into a quicksand of sadness. I totally skipped over the fact that I had just completed a monumental task that had hung over my head for 3 months! I had accomplished what I’d set out to do this weekend. I got it out in the open! I was supposed to be able to exhale completely for once. But in the midst of my brain misfiring, all I could focus on was the false assumption that she was shutting the door on the future I want with them.

I went home and cried myself to sleep.

72 hours later with several reassurances, a joke made in regards to having “dibs on him” for the evening from the woman who will from here on out will be known as ‘The Wife’, and a good stern talking to about how I need to detach myself from this rollercoaster for a good couple of weeks until this school semester is a distant memory... why I feel almost down right stupid. I was so hell bent on getting this one issue dealt with that I didn’t stop to contemplate how the outcome was going to affect me at this time. I feel, as Ralphie’s father would say, Fra-gee-lay at the moment. My emotions are bouncing all over the place and the stress level is at the highest it’s been all year. This is typical for December when finals roll around, the weather turns shitty and I have to face yet another hectic Christmas season with little more than lint in my billfold. I have this constant feeling that I should be hibernating through it all. At least I wasn’t suffering from PMS on top of everything that happened this weekend!

So where does that leave us? I dunno exactly. I think I’m relieved to take my Love’s suggestion and just chill out for a few weeks. No one is going anywhere. And we all need time to adjust to the changes that we will face (I can't wait until I get to officially use the title 'boyfriend' and reap all the benefits that come along with said title-- I hope he likes to hold purses for his women in public, watch chick flicks on a regular basis, and doesn't mind being groomed!). The Wife will have an especially trying time. She now has the information that she’s needed for quite a while. The ball is in her court and I’m sure this won’t be the last time that I feel utterly powerless in this relationship. I only hope that she knows I want the best for her, him, their marriage, and their family. I have to trust that in time there will be a space carved out for me within their world.

Whew! (insert here the sound of a long and deep exhale, similar to that of a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade Balloon deflating)

Hehehehe… I’m guessing I have a bunch of you all beat out for the one of the most stressful Thanksgiving vacations around, no?!?!

(P.S. For those of you concerned about how much time I may have spent writing this out, don’t worry. I had the first part written a while ago and the second part was done between calls from customers at work today. I am working hard on my final assignments. I’m going to finish the semester strong. I love you all for caring about me so much and encouraging me in your own ways. –A.)

Sunday, November 27, 2005

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Found on a very interesting site.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

all I want for Christmas is to stay away from the unemployment line

I'm stressed.

And I'm ready to go postal.

I went to bed with yet another one of my nasty headaches last night. It was about midnight. I set my alarms (I have three of them) for 4:30 so I could get up and finish some last minute homework and to pack for my Thanksgiving out on the coast. I had to work at 7 am.

I woke up at 7:40 am. None of my alarms had worked. I know that I had set each one. In my headache induced stupor, I must have turned every single one off and went back to bed. I rushed off to work without a shower (icky!), without breakfast and without any homework done.

This year, I'm asking Santa to pull some strings and let me keep my job.

And I'm asking for another alarm clock.

Friday, November 18, 2005

From Down Below

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Before I Forget... I Did Another Thing That I'd Been Scared To Try.

I'm proud to say that I finally attended a Eugene Weblogger Get-together! I've been putting it off for months, ever since Michael first visited my site and linked me up to the Eugene Weblog List. I suppose I was avoiding it for fear that I wouldn't do well in a new social situation. But I think I did just fine. And yes, there was this really long discussion on vacuums. I sat there thinking I should have some sort of input on vacuum types or vacuuming in general but alas, I am domestically challenged. I don't vacuum unless I absolutely have to. And that amounts to once a month when one of two things happens: either I have guests over or one of the cats pukes up his breakfast.

Still, I was pleasantly surprised by how fun the meeting was, even if we did very little talk of blogs. Hey, I got to meet a group of adorable men! Why would I complain at all?!? There was Michael, Tvindy, Alan and Brandon, who had the best business cards ever.

I'm already looking forward to the next meeting.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

My Parents Bought Me This Expensive Camera And All I Do Is Take Naughty Pictures With It!

So this really should go under the HNT file, but I'm not bold enough to jump onto that bandwagon (and for those of you that don't know what HNT is, sorry but I ain't gonna 'splain it here!). Here are the "real pictures" I've been debating whether to post or not. First off, I'm really proud of these photos. I sent them to a couple of people by email and received some very positive feedback so I thought, "What the hell? It's my blog after all and if I'm proud of my art, I ought to be proud to display it!" So here you go, it's me in all my glory:

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

I hope my parents let me keep my camera. ;)

The way I see it, since last year was filled with cat pictures, here and here, here and even here, this year is a real improvement if my blog is filled with pictures of the human body (including my own). It just dawned on me yesterday, during a conversation with a close friend in which I was reflecting on last fall's photos, that I was taking all these photos of cats and plants and landscapes because I was afraid to interact with other people. I was cooped up inside (both literally and figuratively) and my art was suffering as a consequence. Since letting myself open up to the world and finding confidence in many different realms, I have discovered that I’m moving in brand new directions with my art. And it’s going to help me not only grow as a person but as a photographer as well.

No matter what, I'm not apologizing for today's post. Why should I? I am proud that I can find the guts to stand in front of my camera and pose and I'm especially proud that I found the courage to post the results here. So what if I'm fat? So what if I have a few pimples? So what if my face isn't absolutely symmetrical? Who cares? I'm learning that it doesn't really matter. I found love. Even in my imperfect state I am loved by someone out there. Now I just need to learn to love myself in that imperfect state. I think this is a good start, don’t you?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Laugh

I stumbled across this site today: Overheard In New York. It appears to be snippets of various conversations on the streets of New York and I think it's just plain hysterical. I especially enjoyed the Cicadas one, the Robot one, the Jeopardy! one, the Hot Tips one, and the Steven Wright one.

It kept me entertained for hours. And that's saying a lot. ;)


© Punkin Dunkin Productions

Monday, November 14, 2005

My Favorite Model

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

I’m finding that I truly enjoy taking photographs of people in private and intimate settings. My favorite part is getting a subject to relax enough to where they forget about the camera. When that happens, I capture a more genuine representation of them on film.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The Wrinkles Are Coming! The Wrinkles Are Coming!

When I first saw the hair this morning, I thought it was just a really light strand of red. I had my hair dyed way back in August and some of hair near my face had lightened quite considerably. I assumed that this was just a freak strand that had done the same even though it was near the center of my scalp and to the back. But when I pulled it away from the rest of my hair and took a better look, I realized it was just a little too light and transparent. So I yanked it out, stuck it next to a black cloth, and scrutinized it under a lamp. Sure enough, the end nearest to the scalp wasn’t red or light red or even my normal mousy brown color.

I just found my first white hair. And its glistening color was boldly mocking me:

“Now you’re going to dye your hair for a whole new reason!!! The thought of me and all my gray friends invading your cherished hair with a determined vengeance is going to drive you to religiously seek out the salon every other month until you die! Bwah hah hah!”

*GASP!* I am completely inconsolable. Shouldn’t there be a rule in nature that if you don’t at least feel like an adult, you can hold off looking like one for a while? I’m too young to have gray hair! I don’t have a mortgage to worry about or a sizable 401K or even children to drive me to the brink of insanity. And I’m only 28 years old!! Shouldn’t I at least be over 30 before I start going gray?

And the worst part is that I have a salon appointment next weekend. I should have left the hair attached to my head so it could be dyed along with all the rest. Now it’s going to grow back in a brilliant shade of white and stick out even more against the red locks!

I think this is what I deserve for making fun of all the people in my life who have white hairs. It was funny when they had it... but I'm not laughing now that it's my turn.

I’m sure that crow’s feet are just around the corner.


© Punkin Dunkin Productions

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Few More Light and Shadow Shots

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Taking the Hinges off of the Closet Door (alternate title: It’s My Blog and I’m Not Going to Hide Anymore)

Many of my posts over the last year have been dedicated to other people, either publicly or privately. Many of my pictures are taken at special events and moments that help capture my emotions, or other people’s emotions and they let me convey my love for the people in my life, the art form that my life is becoming, and the amazing world around me. I hope that through this blog, my friends and family can see how much my life has improved. I hope that they can see how happy I am- more than any other time in my life. There are many reasons for my happiness. And today, I have found the courage to share a big one.

But first, let me back up for a second here and tell you where I’m coming from. I used to suffer from depression- severe depression. I’ve gone through a few cycles starting when I was a teenager. From the time I was 12 until I was 26 or so, I’ve suffered from at least 3 major bouts of depression and I spent much of those 14 years in a haze of overeating, self-hatred, and explosive anger. I went through two major surgeries that left mental and physical scars. I doubted any beauty I could have possessed (in fact I disassociated myself from the person in the mirror. We were not the same person). I didn’t think I could be an architect, or a drafter, or an interior designer. I doubted any talent I had or any potential for talent. I didn’t think I could get where I wanted to go in life.

I was simply a mess.

During the last major depression, I found myself living a life I did not want. I was spinning my wheels at a technical school, working several dead-end jobs, lashing out at my boyfriend with whom I lived in a couple of awful apartments and we both had the habits of a packrat and farm animal combined. At some point, I woke up and realized how awful my life had become- and how much more awful it was going to get if I didn’t change something. My moment of clarity came at a time when I thought that I was destined to stay in this unwanted life forever.

I made several changes over the last 3 years that have improved my life to the point that I enjoy pretty much every day rather than rare moments. I moved from Wisconsin to Oregon to attend the University of Oregon. I started to take better care of myself and have found the energy that I was lacking for so long. The depression began to dissolve as I took more and more responsibility for my actions and my own happiness. And I met someone who had a heart of gold and the patience of a saint and for nearly 3 years he was my rock out here.

(Tudeskii- It hasn’t even been a week, but I already miss you. I don’t know if I ever told you but you were one of the biggest reasons for my life changing so dramatically. You allowed me to see how funny I am, how loving I can be, how much I have to give to the world and how much more improvement I can make in my life. In a perfect world, we would have found a way to make things work out. But they didn’t. Please know that you taught me so much. I can’t find the right words to express what you mean to me. You are a soul mate of mine. I’m forever grateful that we found one another and I’m eternally in debt to you for the lessons that you taught me. Thank You!)

Last year, I started this site for a couple of reasons. I wanted to keep in touch with my friends and family back home. I wanted to document my weight loss. I wanted a journal that I would visit on a regular basis instead of writing just an entry or two and eventually forgetting about it. I wanted to be cool and have a web page (I’m sure there are many of us bloggers who can relate to that statement). Within a month of posting, I discovered how easy it was to take digital pictures and post them on the web. I loved documenting my life out here for everyone back home to see. After one particular round of photos , I realized how much fun this was and I saw a glimpse of talent in myself. I did not intend to take up a new hobby, I just had a cheap digital camera and I felt like using it. Photography happened by chance and it changed my life.

But something else has happened by chance and it too has changed my life forever.

After a few months of posting pictures, people started to notice my blog. I had a few comments here and there and I was ecstatic that someone, anyone was actually reading my little blog (aren’t we all a little giddy after those first few comments land on our blog?!). Many comments were from bloggers just passing through, never to return. But miraculously enough, some people started returning on a regular basis (only to be greeted with multiple pictures of my cats and incoherent ramblings about politics and other brainless things going on in my boring life).One of those visitors struck up an email conversation with me this past summer. In a matter of four months, we exchanged almost 300 emails and blog posts. The short version of the story is that we finally met, sparks flew and soon we had to admit that this was not a casual acquaintance for either one of us. By the end of September, we fell in love.

(Whew. It’s nice to finally see that in print on my own blog!!)

Now you must be wondering, “What’s the big deal here? So you fell in love? Big whoop! That happens every single day! You’d better get to the point here pretty quickly before I hit the ‘next blog’ button…”

So what is going on? What is the conflict?

Well, he’s married.

(Pause for everyone to catch their breath and make that perfect little ‘O’ with their lips)

He’s been married for quite some time to a wonderful woman. And he’d like for me to be in a poly relationship with both of them.

(Pause for crickets chirping and silent sobbing from my parents)

“A poly relationship? What the hell is that?”
Well, here’s a good definition from Wikipedia. And here a site and another you can visit for more information. In short, it’s a committed relationship between three or more people that respect and love one another.

“Oh, I get it. This is what those weird Mormon groups do. Are you going to move to Utah, join a polygamist cult, submit to your boyfriend’s every sick whim, and never be heard from again?”
Yeah, he wishes! ;)
Aww, hell no! I’m not a Mormon. I don’t particularly care for Utah and this isn’t about being of lower status to my partner(s). That’s not what polyamory is about, at least for me. It’s about being honest and open with the people that I am in love with. It’s about direct communication. It’s about sharing our lives together. It’s about equality.

Look, I still have the same goals that I did before. I want to be a wife, a mother and an architect. I want to take care of my parents when they get older. I want a home of my own. I want a good life and I want to live my life knowing that I’m learning from every lesson put forth in front of me and that I am making the right choices for myself. I want to love and be loved. Isn’t that what everyone wants no matter who they sleep with at night?

“Is this some sick sexual thing that you’ve got going on?”
HAHAHAHAHA. It has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. It has to do with love. Sex is just an added benefit from it. And for those of you that know me and the situation a little more and are wondering- (not that it’s anyone’s business) but NO! I am not having sex!!! Not at this time. I respect their relationship and their commitment to one another. I’m trying my hardest to let this whole situation take a natural course as we all figure out our roles, wishes and desires.

“You do realize you’re going to hell, right?”
That’s fine, except for one thing. I don’t follow your religion so I’m pretty freakin’ sure that I’m not going to end up in your version of an afterlife. I have my own beliefs, thank you.

If I did believe in a God (and I’m still wavering at the moment), I’d like to think that my God wouldn’t set this all up to happen as some sick joke on me. Here’s the love(s) of your life but you can’t be with them because it’s wrong, wrong, WRONG! Sorry! Better luck next time! There is a reason that our lives take the courses that they take. There is a reason for every single person that comes in and goes out of our lives. I’d like to think that he and I did not meet by chance. I’d like to think that we found each other because we needed to. There would be no reason for me to meet him and his family and to fall deeply in love, only to have it ripped away for one reason or another. I think we have a chance to make it work.

But we have to be given that chance.

And we have to be given the choice.

“This is never going to work. You’re making the biggest mistake of your life. Get out now before you hurt yourself or someone else.”
I believe that among all the reasons I exist, I’m here to learn certain lessons in life. Not all of those lessons have happily ever after endings. My mother says that this will never ever work out, and I am destined to get hurt. Well, so be it. Then there would be a reason to learn from that hurt. And if I end up hurting in the end, at least I’ve learned something.

It’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. Wouldn’t you agree?

“There must be something wrong with you that you can’t find a nice single man.”

“There must be something wrong with him. Is he going through a midlife crisis?”

“What does he want with you? Are you sure he’s not using you?”
I’m not sure that there is anything wrong with me or him. Like I said, this just happened. It wasn’t planned; it wasn’t part of anyone’s grand scheme. Neither one of us was seeking out the other one. It’s happened and we’re dealing with it the best way that we know how- with love, compassion and communication.

Some suggestions now that you know:

If you feel the need to pray for me, go right ahead. I’m going to need all the help and support possible to make this all work out in the end. Even if you’re praying that I’ll find the “right” answer, all’s I can say is that at least you’re thinking about me and maybe that will lead to you find out more about who I am as a person, how I view the world and how much I love the people in my life. I hope that your praying brings you and me closer together in the long run. Just don’t think that I’m going to somehow change my life based on the moral conduct of your religion. Sorry, it just doesn’t work that way.

If you feel the need to preach to me about how immoral I am, save it. ‘Cause I’ve already heard enough. Not only do I have to listen to the hurtful words from people whom I care deeply for, or worse yet the pregnant pauses and long drawn out sighs, but I have to listen to the internal voices that question every step that I take. It’s called cultural conditioning. I am conditioned (like 99% of you) that there is only one way to love. There is only one acceptable path. I never saw myself in an open relationship with more than one consenting adult at the same time. But faced with the possibility, I happily accept the challenges that I will face to be with them in the end.

If you don’t want to ever speak to me again or read my blog, farewell! I will miss you and I’ll shed a tear or two but that won’t stop me from living my life, discovering what I want from it, or deciding for myself the shape that it is to take.

It’s up to me to become who I want to be.


P.S. I wrote this really long post today because I found that I had deeply hurt someone for some comments made on my blog recently. For that I am truly, truly sorry. But it got me thinking that this is my website and while I love that everyone stops by to read my posts and gaze at my artwork, I need to be allowed to completely express myself here. Even when I offend people or stick my foot in my mouth or look like a dork because I’m not all that intellectual and articulate when it comes to communicating with the world about what I’m feeling (case in point, I think I just wrote a fragmented sentence. At least that’s what Microsoft Word is telling me…). This blog is my space. It is not only who I was a year ago and who I am now, but it is who I wish to become.

I am hiding this development in my life from certain people and certain social situations (read: just about everyone and just about everywhere). Because I have to do so much hiding on a daily basis, I need a place that I can come and be myself, that I can be open about what is going on, where I can vent, be giddy, where I can cry. And I want do it without everyone harping on me that I'm a bad person. Because deep down, I know that I'm not.

I want to be a strong woman in love with a wonderful family. I want to support the people in my life and find an equal amount of support from them. I want to be honest and I want to be true to myself.

For now, I can be true to myself in at least one sphere. And that is here.

It's a good start anyway.

Monday, November 07, 2005

There's a stylin' thin girl in here somewhere!

Hmm.... Is it weird that I want, nay, I MUST have these tights even though I'd have to buy a whole new outfit including shoes just for them? I've never had a love of tights before. Fat girls and hosiery usually have a mutual hatred for one another. We are sworn enemies, plain and simple. I swear when I was much bigger, if I could have run more than 10 steps in tights, I would have started a fire. I'm not kidding. Really, I'm not! Just ask any woman size 16 and over what she thinks of pantyhose and you'll get an earful. I promise colorful swear words will pepper the conversation too. But today, for some unknown and uncontrollable reason, I find myself wanting to jump enemy lines and get myself some sexy red tights. Hell yeah, baby!

The Newport Swim Team- A Bunch of Whiners... Er, Make That Winners!

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Fort Rock Revisited

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

With my Tudeskii moving away this weekend (insert long and meaningful post about love, friendship, kindness, ever-lasting friendship, and all around froomie goodness that I just don't have the mental and emotional energy to write so early in the morning) and taking much of the computer equipment with him, I was forced to go back through my old files and move them from the laptop to another computer. In doing so, I've come across several pictures that I either missed the first time or just didn't think were right for the blog. I feel like posting some of these old photos until I get some new ones (which may happen today depending how Alder's kids look at their swim meet).

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Halloween 2005

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

What a motley crew!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Purple Fireworks On The Fourth Of July

With rain projected for the next week and a half in Eugene,
I sure wish it was the Fourth of July again.

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Yachats In September

© Punkin Dunkin Productions

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The change within me is...

...painfully slow and sometimes faint but it is destined to happen no matter what. This, I am convinced of.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Between Two Ports

© Punkin Dunkin Productions