I refuse to devote my blog to my weight. By doing so, I would be giving it more power than it deserves. My weight does not define me. Or at least that's what I tell myself. In reality, it is who I am every second of the day. It seems like 90% of the decisions I make are based on my weight.
"I can't buy those heels-
My fat ankles won't be supported by them!"
"I can't buy that candy bar-
The check-out clerk will look at me funny!"
"I can't work out at a REAL gym-
There's no REAL bodies working out in there!"
"I can't fit in those student desks-
I won't be able to breath till class is over!"
It's been like this since fourth grade. That’s 18 years of my life as a fat chick. Oh the stories I could tell. Oh, the tears I could cry again and again. I don’t remember every single day, every single funny comment, look, or gesture. Basically it all runs together in one giant blob (ha!) of painful emotions. It’s impacted my life in ways that I have only begun to explore. I wonder how much of my depression can be attributed to my weight and my self-image? I wonder how much of my love life is affected by it? I wonder if I would have a different personality if I were skinny? Would I be the funny girl with the funky, second hand shop wardrobe that struts her funkiness everywhere and doesn’t care what others think of her? Would I be the cute little redhead with freckles who waits tables and has a perfectly smooth apron tied around her tiny waist? Would I be the outgoing girl who wears gap halter-tops and loves to sit in the sun? Who would I be if I were skinny? If only…if only… if only…
I started Atkins last year with J****. Both of us were ready for some kind of change. I was at my highest ever and I was feeling it in every step I took, every stare I got, and every single thing I ate. I started slowly, just focusing on what I was eating, not following Atkins perfectly but trying to consciously think about the types of foods I was eating and what I was putting my mouth, how it tastes and how it felt. I found out that I really hated McDonald’s food (although I still slip in a nasty breakfast burrito every other month or so). I found that I love the feel of fresh fruit on my tongue. After I cut out regular soda completely and trying to have a glass or 2 of it since then, it has come to taste so sweet and syrup-like that I can’t finish even a can of it (I think I should have had stock in Coca-cola for all those years I bought it by the case-load). I lost 30 pounds in 4 months with very little exercise.
But Christmas came and with it, a trip home to my mother’s cooking and all the comfort foods that I love and then Valentines day (with the wonderful juju hearts stocked in the bulk section at the supermarket) and my first semester at the University (with ample amounts of Chai tea and heavenly oatmeal raisin cookies) and the subsequent harder semester (with a wonderful substitute for juju hearts- nummy bears) and I gained 10 pounds back by May.
I knew I had to get back to eating better. My basic diet still consisted of healthy items. I stuck to the outer ring of the grocery store where the fruits, vegetables, meats, and dairy are all kept. I didn’t go back to Hungry-Man dinners (I’m surprised that those didn’t give me a heart attack!). I had gained a few good habits from my initial success and when you think about it, that’s what weight loss is all about- good habits that you must maintain the rest of your life in order to be healthy and look healthy.
The day after I talked to T*** for the first time in four years, I found the motivation I was looking for to continue losing weight. That also seems to be a big factor in losing weight and finding success with it- there has to be an internal will to want to do so… and in my case…I want it real bad! I want to go back to Madison skinnier than when I left and I want to show T*** and everyone else all the changes that have taken place over the last two years of my life out here. I AM a changed person. But I know that some of those inner changes are not detectable in short visits. That’s why I needed something on the outside to get the point across (only ugly people say “beauty is only skin deep”)
As of two weeks ago, I have lost 50.5 pounds total (and yes, I have earned that half pound so it will be counted) I have lost a small child from my middle! Halleluiah! What I really wanted to devote today’s blog to was the fact that none of my coworkers seemed to notice. Wouldn’t you notice if someone lost several inches of hair, or had a boob job or took Viagra (Did you get a raise Bob? Nope, my Johnson did though!). Would you say anything to them? What if they looked better than before? What is it about weight that makes people tongue-tied? I could understand if I looked like I’d gained 50 pounds in my middle and people were wondering if I was with child (which has happened, by the way, and boy is it embarrassing... and no it’s not as forgivable as that stupid-ass commercial where the lady says thank you and gets a hug from the offended fat chick... gimme a friggin’ break people!). But I am losing weight and it shows! I feel better and better every day and I have energy and a healthy glow and I am dressing fashionably in black (no more wild patterned clothes that look like grotesque circus tents on my obese frame). I have walked around the office, back and forth for the last few weeks just waiting for someone to say something. I don’t work with just a few people either. I work in a call center that employs 200+ people of which I know 70 or more I see on a daily basis. No one said a goddamn single word.
Until today.
Today, one of the supervisors, (whom I’m not fond of and would think to be the last person ever to say something nice to me), was walking by me out the door and she stopped and said in a whisper “Have you been losing weight?” I mentioned I was and the amount and she smiled, clearly relieved, and said, “I can see it!” Well, finally, FINALLY, someone around here has noticed. And I feel so much better about the whole thing. I thought everyone had their heads up their asses… but I was proven wrong (even if it’s just temporary). It gives me the motivation I need for the next 50 pounds I need to lose. It gives me the hope that I need when I go home that everyone will see, however small, the changes that I have made.
